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Here's another work in progress for you. I'm not sure about this one...
Snakes in the Snow
We make snakes in the snow with our boots, our feet pressed firmly against the ground, not hopeful enough to lift into steps.
The police have done this search already, hours of wages spent trawling the fields for clues or hope or something.
We know we won’t find anything they didn’t but we have to try.
You shuffle your toe around the arms of a raised tree root, swirling dark brown crumbs in the snow.
The police didn’t know she had been eating a chocolate cookie. We didn’t think to tell them.
Or possibly the ending should be this instead. What do you think?
The police didn’t know she had been eating a chocolate cookie. Nor did we.
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10 comments:
I like 'Nor did we.' It seems to me to leave the outcome more open and therefore more suspenseful.
Me too. Dave disagrees though, so I'm collecting opinions! Thank you, as ever, for yours.
I think I agree with Dave on this one - it's more realisitc as a personal tragedy with the edge of responsibility given by 'We didn't think to tell them.' Also, the 'Nor did we' seems to mix the narrator with god, in that now they've found the crumbs, they know the crumbs belonge to her. Unless they are desparately looking for clues and therefore seeing them everywhere. But I much prefer 'We didn't think to tell them.'
Yes, the idea was that they were seeing clues everywhere - it was intended to be ambiguous. I like the idea that we don't know whether they've found a clue or not with 'nor did we', although I take your point about responsibility.
Now the vote is equally split. Grrr!
i realllllly miss having you just a short train ride away.
Oh, that was a comment that made me smile!
Me too x
Very Good. I prefer the first ending. Don't know why, just sounds better.
Thank you. First ending's winning at the moment but I'm still rather attached to the second!
i like the second since it leaves a private life hanging. it left me wondering what she was thinking.
Thanks for your feedback - as you can see, people seem to be split on this one!
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